Something has changed within me...

I think I'll try Defying Gravity too.

If my life were a musical, it would probably look a lot like the wonderful "Wicked," and I would be the perspicacious Elphaba Thropp. I know what that sounds like at face value--who wouldn't want to be Elphaba? She's got beauty, brains, a dashing prince AND she's the hero. But Elphaba was also green-- perhaps the only green person in all of Oz. She was a minority and felt that in her every waking moment. She tried to live past her emerald tone in going to school, but in a way she never escaped it. In an odd way she became what everyone expected a green skinned female magician would become; an "evil" witch. At least that is how she was perceived, and how she let herself be perceived. In that regard, Elphaba illustrates my greatest fear. I am so afraid of appearing the hideous stereotype that I battle everyday toward an arbitrary approximation of "the attractive" and "beautiful." I've lived that way my entire life, and my final plunge into the natural hair world was a timid roar of defiance that, even tiny as it was, I was not ready for. But after two years of lukewarm devotion I finally issued myself the ultimatum I had intended all the while with my natural hair journey. This past summer and fall have been a period of overhaul for me, and I think that little roar has finally decided to become a full on bellow, stereotypes be damned.

In honor of the overhaul of this blog (another manifestation of the deeper change within), I have decided to update my Beauty and the Beast section, which has been neglected as of late. What is beauty? For all my philosophical musings and decidedly pointless love of fashionable presentation, I honestly couldn't tell you. Beauty is obviously not just a metaphysical construct--no it would be naive of me to claim that beauty is completely ungrounded in the physical. But is beauty really connected to the value of a person? Or is that some arbitrary distinction that humans make? I suppose that's what my journey, my struggles with myself and with others, has been about. And there is nowhere that struggle has been more apparent than in the battle with my hair. How should it look? Why isn't it that way? Does that mean it's not beautiful? I answer, "Of course not!" with practiced distance, but in the thick and sticky guts of this encounter, I cannot be sure. My hair doesn't "behave," I don't "get it." I think this mentality has a lot to do with the culture that surrounds western standards of beauty and the way in which black women relate to that standard (a discussion for another late night)

Hair Regimen:

1st Week
Friday/Saturday:

1. Wash hair with Wen cleansing conditioner
2. Condition with GBP by Aubrey Organics
3. Deep Condition (Protien): Aphogee 2 step treatment; Henna; Giovanni Nutrafix hair reconstructor
4. Light Conditioning leave-in: Shea butter, Castor Oil, Vitamin E oil, Argan Oil
5. Seal with oil of choice

Wednesday:

1. Saturate hair with spray mix: Rose Water, Infusium 23, Aloe Vera Juice
2. Light Conditioning leave-in
3. Leave-in Conditioner mix: 2 Tablespoons of Aloe Vera Juice, 2 Tablespoons of Giovanni Direct-Leave in, 2 teaspoons of Castor oil, 2 teaspoons of Jojoba oil

Friday/ Saturday:

1. Detangle with spray mix and cheapie conditioner
2. Braid hair up and wash
3. Condition with GBP
4. Deep Condition with heat cap: Heavier version of Shea butter conditioning leave-in
5. Retwist/ Rebraid until next wash/detangling session

Protective styles throughout the week.

I suppose by putting all of this here I am rededicating myself. Over the course of the past few years I've learned that taking care of myself is important. And through the course of this natural journey, I've had to struggle with Beauty--I still do; she is crueler than she is kind. But I suppose with this re-dedication  I'm giving myself license to do battle with Her, or with the world's image of Her,  unencumbered . I'm giving myself a chance to find Her in me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think that something world is missing is a candid picture of what being a black woman  in the world means, with all its bitterness and its triumphs. So I think I will dedicate this Beauty and the Beast Section (and perhaps a consequent section on social issues) to filling that much needed niche. More to come...